Why didn’t my class teacher sort it out immediately? It was annoying and stressful.

I have tonnes of unposted entries in my draft section, some yet to be completed while others — I’m just not confident enough to publish it. Anyhow, I just felt like I really needed to share this childhood memory that’s been on my mind more frequently than usual. Previously, this event would come creeping on me when I suddenly feel down, useless or incompetent. When I was a kid back then, I didn’t think much about it after the whole situation was over but as I grew older, mainly when I started work, I would always suddenly have flashbacks of what had happened.

It was back in 1998, I was standard 2 in SK Bukit Damansara in 1 Merah. I think it was September, it should be September because it happened after my brother was born. I remember going to the Commonwealth Games rehearsal with my dad, sister and Uncle a few days before the opening day. Then my brother was born on the 8th. I remember going to the hospital but no memories of any emotions, which is weird since I tend to remember being scared or happy as a child. Then we went to KLIA to board a flight, my mum was in a wheelchair holding my brother while my sister walked with our grandma as we waved goodbye to my dad at the gate. We sat first class and I remember eating the meal they served. I was super excited because usually we only got peanuts when we fly balik kampung. We were there for my mum’s pantang and followed by my aunt’s wedding reception. I know it was definitely the school holidays because that’s all everyone kept talking about. We stayed another week after (maybe), I have no recollection of time but a few years back when we were talking about pantang, my mum said we only stayed in Terengganu for about 3 weeks. I suppose I skipped a few days of school then one week of school holiday followed by another week of ponteng. I obviously felt it was longer but I mean, I was 8, didn’t really have a sense of time then.

Here is where my story starts, I go to school on Monday and when we entered class after the assembly, I see a boy sitting in my seat. I sat (I’m getting anxious even writing about this now tbh), on the left side — so in class, there are left — centre — right (all 3 tables per row and I think there were 5 or 6 rows altogether from front to back, except for the centre, there was an extra row table of 3 at the back. This boy just sat at my place. I went there and he's like “This is my desk”. I’m like… No, this is mine. I took the books to the desk and CLEARLY IT WAS MY TEXTBOOKS WITH MY NAME ON IT. He insisted. I sat on the “isle” desk, so the boy who sat in the middle desk, his name is Daniel, we were close, we’d share candies and he would tell me about his family in Singapore, next to Daniel was Farid, he was the “girls have cooties” type so whatever him, so anyway Daniel tried to reason with this new boy Alex. Alex refused and another boy backed Alex up saying I was gone and this is now Alex’s seat. Like what??? And some of them even ganged up and said Alex was a teacher’s son, a female teacher who taught upper secondary, Puan Munn or something and that I would get in trouble if I tried to fight. I’m distraught, I have no idea what to do. It was still early in the morning and felt like I had to something quick before the teacher enters or I’ll get in trouble. Not even for a second then I thought of actually going to a teacher and seek help. I actually feared I’d get into more trouble simply because I had been absent from school. Then a teacher walked in and just told me to grab any seat available, so I did. She wasn’t the class teacher.

I don’t remember who but they called out to me since the seat next to them was empty. Later that day our class teacher Mr Krishnan came in for maths and was informed that I did not have a seat. WHICH IS RIDICULOUS TO ME NOW AS AN ADULT — — I DO HAVE A SEAT, this Alex kid is the one who doesn’t have a seat! Mr Krishnan said he’ll sort it out. Guess what? It lasted for more than a week. The next week I still had no desk. I had to bring all my books back home and back to school daily because I had no desk to keep them in. I moved from one desk to another. Every morning during assembly I had to “check” on everyone to see who was absent that day so I can sit at their place. The absolute worse feeling is when everyone came to school that day, full class, no empty desk available for me to tumpang. Usually, when that happens, I would need to take the extra chair from the back at the reading corner and sit next to Farah, who sits on the front row on the left on the aisle desk. I’m just squeezing there sharing her desk. Farah helped me a lot, she is also the niece of my aunt’s husband. To make it easy: her uncle and my aunt got married, they had the reception I mentioned earlier. Farah came to the wedding reception and actually told me there was a new boy in class and that he was sitting at my place but we thought it was temporary. Then there was Mohana. She was extremely nice too, she was always asking if we (her classmates) were okay. I do not know where she is now, but I am utterly thankful for her. She would tell me the day before that she was not coming to school so I could sit at her place the next day. This happened a few times, I think 4 or 5. From this, it made me feel like this situation lasted at least 3 weeks.

I asked Mr Krishnan a few times when was he going to get my table. I don’t even remember what he said. He just didn’t go get me a table. I had anxiety every morning on the way to school, I felt scared that I won’t get a table that day. Sometimes I felt like skipping school but I liked school, Izzameera, Raeesa and Alia would carpool every morning and play during breaks together. In class, I felt outcasted and ignored especially Mr Krishnan and the teachers. JUST WHY DIDN’T HE IMMEDIATELY ATTEND TO ME? Why didn't any of the other teachers helped me? Because I wasn’t a straight-A student or because I wasn’t popular enough, fun enough, engaging enough or pretty enough or what? I just don’t understand why. I never spoke to Alex, I hated him so much. I didn’t talk to Daniel after that either.

Then finally, Mr Krishnan comes with a desk and tells me he got the table I needed. He put in the back, connected with the already three-desk making it four in a row. I’m most left near to the door, then it’s Adrian — the tallest kid in class and our year, I remember Mr Krishnan talking about him to his mum about being so tall at the desk. then there’s Irsyad (I think it was him) and after that Marzia. I was not friends with Marz back then, we didn’t even speak since we were separated by two boys in between. Oh the irony, she became a close friend in form 3 and partners in crime in form 4 and 5. Two peas in a pod, wherever there’s a Marz, there’s definitely a Tas nearby. We had a fallout as SPM drew nearer. I believe we are civil now, haha.

Anyway. If you read it this far, thanks for reading. I didn’t censor any names because I don’t care. The anxiety I felt every morning for those few weeks was horrible. I was so glad to be in the same class as Izzameera the next year with more friends and a smaller class, and a caring teacher. Encik Roslan. Thinking about him now reminds me of Encik Hasni at NST. Haha. When we entered standard 4, I was back in a huge class, I think there was 40 of us. It was suffocating and claustrophobic honestly, and there were two girls who were anak cikgu, one of them was the daughter of our science teacher. I just felt uncomfortable despite the fact that we have never even spoken. February came and my parents asked if I wanted to move to a new school, just across our road. SMK Seri Hartamas was turned into SK Seri Hartamas since they moved to the new building at Desa. Izzameera and Raeesa were moving there too, so I said yes. There was only one class, Izzameera and I made the class count to 26, then Naim came and made it 27. Why do I remember all these things? I don’t know. I just do. I just had this sense of relief, a sense of security that now I can actually go to school happy and motivated. Less was just so much more. The memory of not having a desk never crossed my mind, and when we went to secondary school, students from SKBD and SKSH merged, I actually had a disgruntled feeling of having to see Alex again but he went to another school. Praise be!

But somehow this no desk incident has been haunting me when I do work. Questions as to whether am I good enough, am I qualified, am I liked, am I important. Then I remember dulu this Alex boy was getting praises for being smart in class.

It just goes back to why didn’t the teacher told Alex to move and let me have my seat back. Or why didn’t he go find a desk immediately so I didn’t need to suffer all those weeks? Just why. It is so basic. It is so unfair to put me through it. I didn’t tell my parents because I didn’t want to be seen as a loser — so weird for me to think of that now. Also, I really thought Mr Krishnan wanted me to fail because for my midterms, there was one question I answered correctly but he marked it wrong. I got it recorrected after my mum checked the paper but I still felt like he did it on purpose, which I’m sure he didn’t. I hate it when this memory creeps up on me 🤢🤢🤢